An aromantic manifesto, or, how we treat rejections

Content warning for suicidal ideation, self harm and sexual assault.

I have had to reject the romantic and sexual advances of a fair amount of people throughout my life. This will be a long winded story about that, and about how my rejection not being respected has affected me. This will be about how people who reject others are broadly viewed in a social lens.

So let me tell you a story I have kept close to my chest. About a year into my current long term relationship, my partner brought a friend they'd made into our apartment. This girl was suicidal and self harming. I remember her cutting while sitting on our bed. I pulled the knife away from her, told her that she deserved to live, cleaned her wounds and made her something to eat. 

Later that night, when she was feeling better, she came to spend time with me and my partner. At one point she stroked my hair and groped my chest. It was sudden, unreciprocated and unexpected. I treated it as an accident and said nothing to my partner who didn't notice. At some point, my partner had to leave the room. While my partner was gone, this girl made sexual advances on me, fully knowing I was taken. I tried to turn her down gently, knowing that her mental health was in a fragile place. She proceeded to sexually assault me, the details of which you do not need to know.

I told my partner via texts while they laid in bed with me after, fearful that she, in the next room, would overhear if I spoke. The next morning she knew she crossed a line and apologized. In the moment I didn’t know what to say.

I just said “it's okay.” It obviously wasn't okay, but in a moment of feeling unsafe to express my true feelings, I lied. 

My partner never let her back in after that and I have not seen her since. Perhaps the most disturbing part, is that if I could go back to that day, even knowing what would happen, I would still talk her down, clean her wounds, and make sure she was okay.

There is no moral quandary of “who was right” or “where did this go wrong?” There is no lesson. It is an unremarkable, grim reality where when you are sexually desired by someone, it does not matter who they are, their gender, race, queerness, etc…there is always a chance that they will see you as nothing more than the OBJECT of their desire, and not a person whose autonomy ought to be respected. The harm done to you is palpable, but you need to think of the harm you've done to them by rejecting them. 

The rejector is always the one who's done the harm, the prude, the one being shallow, the one not giving it a chance. How dare you harm someone's delicate feelings and affection for you?

That's the key, isn't it? The affection they have for you is so special. They saw your face, they saw your body, and their desire matters more than your comfort with it. How dare you say no? They're just flattering you, by calling you beautiful or handsome, it's a compliment, and you have to accept a compliment.

I think about all the stories about underdogs and nice guys who get the girl, the girl who just ought to give him a chance. Stories where the girl who rejects him is heartless and shallow. 

I have lost many a friendship due to them being attracted to me and my rejection hurting them so. My hurt at the loss of a friendship I'd hoped to grow means little. Friendship is a step down from romance, a lesser option. Being that I'm aromantic I am always a disappointment to people attracted to me, the romance I offer is performed and only for those few I reciprocate feelings for. 

I have been in multiple relationships out of a feeling of obligation. I rejected them but was pressured into it, for the sake of “caring for their mental health” or “because they were just so into me” – perhaps there was something wrong with me for not naturally reciprocating, perhaps I just needed to meet the right person.

Rejection is often painful to enact, because I know it will almost never be taken well, because I am not a cis man and not in a relationship with a cis man, my relationship is seen as “negotiable” or “an obstacle.” My partner is not respected as “owning access to my sexuality” in the way a cis man is to his partner, and so it is a “shame” when I reject people. I have to explain and justify my relationship, it is not seen as a real thing.

I had thought that presenting masculine, that transition into a man would lessen this experience, but it has not heavily altered the frequency at which I have to reject people and watch as they express pain and disappointment and pull away from what could have been a beautiful friendship, it wasn't what they wanted from me. Being the OBJECT of someone's desire means that you disappoint them when they find out you aren't the fantasy they imagined, that they thought you would be when they saw photos of you and fixated on that, not your personality or your interests.

The reality is, these uncomfortable encounters happen with people I do not know long, often within days of meeting me, or as the first encounter. I've had people physically corner me to get my number, I've had people threaten self harm if I reject them – how is it safe for me to say no? I cannot in good conscience say no if I fear for my or their safety, so where does that leave consent? I tried to say no to a kiss after a first date once, but he refused to leave my car until I kissed him, so I did – was that truly a choice I was safely able to make?

I've had people sext me and try to convince me to sleep with them while I was in crisis situations, the terrifying event I witnessed was not important, my sexual availability was all that mattered.

The people who I've had to push away due to this behaviour claimed to have such feelings for me whilst knowing so little about me. What is my favourite colour/s? When is my birthday? What is my cat's name? What nostalgic foods from my childhood do I like to cook? What politics am I passionate about? What is my favourite kind of tea? What is the emotional significance of the beaded bracelets I always wear? What ways do I like or dislike being touched?

My close friends of years will be able to answer some of these. My beloved partner can answer all of them. My partner knows me so well that they can tell when I'm having nightmares and know how to comfort me in my sleep to ebb them. They can look at me and tell when my anxiety is bad, I don't even have to speak. It goes both ways, I know them just as well as they know me.

How can someone who met me only a few days ago hope to step in between? How would they be able to gain that level of closeness? How come I even have to explain this? In a better world, I would be able to reject someone even if I was single, and have them respect that.

Rejection is not the enemy. If I reject someone I am simply being honest. Lying and accepting romantic and sexual advances I don't want would lead to heavy heartbreak and harm, it could lead to lifelong hurt that a simple and honest rejection is protection from.

I don't expect people to read this and suddenly respect my autonomy, or my aromantic nature, or the fact that I'm taken. What I hope to give you with this is simply perspective. Pushing past someone's rejection often leads to heavy interpersonal harm, it can trigger a fear response if they've been sexually assaulted, if they've been harassed in public for their personal information. 

Rejection hurts. Being seen as an object also fucking hurts. If you truly care for someone, you should respect their no, you should cherish their friendship instead of punishing them for not replicating the fantasy you've concocted of them.

Someday when I am old and my beauty fades, I will be thankful it did. I will find peace.