Stop telling trans men to love their chests

 I cheekily talk about binding and binding safety, and often that grows into a larger discussion. But I’ve never sat down and written a full piece on it. Part of me wonders why, the other part knows why. It’s because it would require me to tell you some deeply personal stories, it would require me to tell you about my relationship with my body, and it forces me to confront some demons I’d rather keep buried.

It’s easier to simply put on a binder each morning and go about my day, ignore the visible bump on my chest and tell myself that cis men have those too, tell myself when I’m home and generally not binding that it’s fine, normal, and probably just how any other man would act in the comfort of his own home.

It’s easy to judge a 22 year old trans guy for wrapping masking tape around his chest, it’s easier to make jokes, than it is to understand truly why he is doing that, and why I used to do that too.

Does he hate being a woman? Doesn’t he know that being a woman is great? Why does he hate his breasts? Shouldn’t everyone enjoy having a soft body and having breasts? Would the world be better if we all had breasts? Is his discomfort some internal hatred of women?

Or is it perhaps a rejection of the relationship he was told he should have with his body. We are at an impasse, a horseshoe if you will. Telling us not to hurt ourselves, not to harm our bodies, our bodies are so beautiful after all! It is the same mentality as when your mother tells you not to bind because “you might damage your breasts, and you need to keep them healthy for your future children”.

Are you trying to convince young trans men not to bind or to get top surgery because you care about their health, or is it because you care about your preferences for how their bodies should be?

Let’s do a thought experiment. You have a wife or a girlfriend, you love her dearly, of course. It would be safe to assume that you love her body. What if when you are intimate you can tell she’s self conscious of her chest. When you go out in public she never likes wearing clothes that emphasize it, she only wears tight sports bras and baggy shirts. What is your reaction to this? What if this escalates and she tells you that she doesn’t want them, that she wants a flat chest. What if she comes out as a he, where does this go?

Where do your preferences for how you think his body should be and your care for his health and comfort begin and end? Is there a divide?

When I came out I didn’t find quick acceptance. My family struggled with it, a lot still do after a decade, my at the time boyfriend pressured me into sexual acts despite my protestations, I had “friends” ask me how my boyfriend was going to “play with my titties if I was binding”, my mother insisted I don’t bind for the sake of “my future children”.

So I didn’t buy a good binder from a company by and for transmasculine folk. I grabbed a tight shirt and masking tape. There was one instance I bound myself so tightly I had to cut it off.

The conversation about healthy binding often boils down to the choices of the transmasculine individual, and most often people ignore the way they are treated for binding and how that may influence their choices. I still bind every day, I just do it healthier. My partner and roommates don’t bat an eye whether I’m binded or not, it’s not about how they feel, and generally they don’t care.

My partner and I have had to have many conversations about how I am comfortable being touched and treated due to chest dysphoria, and if you are with a transmasculine person, I wager these will be conversations you have to have too. So if you take away anything here, understand that your acceptance of his dysphoria, and your understanding that his body is not for you or your preferences will heavily influence his ability to bind healthily.

Even with a safe binder you aren’t generally supposed to wear them longer than eight hours and you aren’t supposed to perform strenuous activity in them. The environment you create for him with your actions and attitude will allow him to bind when able, and to even when not binded, know that you won’t cause him discomfort aggravate his dysphoria. If he feels the need to bind all the time, if he cannot be comfortable in his own home, his own bed unbinded, due to your treatment of him and your fixation on his chest, then you need to confront your own attitude on this.

I will list three good binder brands I’ve used, and my personal thoughts on them, and maybe some tips on how to bind comfortably. But do not boil this down to simply my recommendations. Healthy binding is about more than just the binder you choose, it is about how people treat you in regards to your masculine presentation and your binding.

My first binder was from gc2b. They are excellent and use a soft fabric. I find they lose their tightness quickly, but they are affordable and both tight and comfortable. Shapeshifters make excellent custom binders, the most comfortable binder I’ve ever worn. Similar to gc2b I find they lose tightness after long term use, and because they are custom fit they are both very expensive and not the greatest if you have weight fluctuations, so don’t make this your first choice if you plan to take testosterone. Underworks are my personal preference in terms of results, they are the tightest and stay in place the best of all these options, they can damage over time but I find them also quite affordable. The fabric they use is the roughest and least comfortable of the three, however, which is important to know.

If you are new to binding, whichever binder you use, I recommend that you get some skin cream to rub around the areas the binder seams dig into your skin, it will save you a lot of strife and rashes. You will sweat more in it, be prepared for that, take breaks from wearing it. As you wear it more, you and your body will get used to it.

I do not have a good relationship with my chest, only a passable one. I have accepted it as I missed my opportunity for top surgery. If the opportunity comes again I will happily take it, but in the meantime I need to make peace, they’re literally stuck to me. I view them as little more than unpleasant lumps of fat that I have to carry around, I don’t hate them anymore, but I’m indifferent to them, I didn’t ask for them. They developed large when I was 11-13, and I saw the way they made creepy adult men treat me and look at me, the way my classmates would comment on them “jiggling” when I laughed. So I simply laughed less.

The way they are treated socially as a marker of femininity, as something that makes you “eye-candy” has always felt disgusting to me, and I’m sure it always will. If you want to truly help the transmasculine people in your life bind safely, you need to be empathetic to their experiences, which is easier said than done for many.

The rest is up to you, reader.